How We Got Here...

I suppose I should back up and start with how we got here.

For many of you, this blog, and more-so the content of this blog, will potentially shock you. "But The Herrenbrucks are done having children!" ..."Adopting? We had no idea they were planning to adopt!?" ..."Are they crazy?!"

And my answers to those are... A)"Isn't that funny how God works? The Herrenbrucks thought they were done having kids too! This would be why they got rid of EVERY. SINGLE. STINKING. BABY. ITEM!"... B) "Funny enough, we had no idea we were planning to adopt either. We were set! One boy, one girl... standard American Fam. We were good to go." (Side Note: In fact, get this, the morning after we officially made the decision we were doing this, a lady at the grocery store said to me as I was shopping with the kids..."Well, don't you just have the Standard American Family. Everyone's dream." God, was that you?!?! Ha!) ... and C) Crazy? Yes. But we were already crazy before this decision. Ha ha!

So, how we got to where we are.

Last year around the holidays, Dan and I had a conversation about like so:

D: I have been thinking about adoption, and thinking maybe I would like to pursue it. What do you think?
E: {Crickets}
D: I don't know, I've just been thinking about it.
E: {More Crickets}... and internal conversation: Is this guy serious? Adopt? Evan is not even 2. Pretty sure I am still trying to get  handle on the whole two kid thing, let alone three kid thing. Adopt? I mean, adoption is great... for other people. Just not for us. I totally support it... for others... it's just, uh, no for us.
D: What do you think?
E: I mean, babe, if I am being honest, I really just don't have a heart for it. I don't know, I mean, I think it's great and all, and I love supporting people that do it. But, that's them... and this is us. I just don't really feel like it's for us.
**End Conversation for Erin.**
D: Ok, I understand. Maybe you could just pray about it?
E: {Nods head} Absolutely. Sure. I will.

A week or so passes by and I email my friend Shelby McLemore. I knew Shelby and her husband Stan had adopted their little boy Patrick a few years ago. I've always respected Shelby as a woman of God, a mother, and someone who has a big heart for adoption. I am not really certain why I felt that need to email her as we aren't particularly close. But, nonetheless, I think I found comfort in knowing she would keep our conversation private and I knew she probably wouldn't mind sharing her adoption story with me. So, I did email her, and we did write a bit back and forth. Two things she said to me that I will always remember. One, she said, "I want to tell you this. If God has laid adoption on Dan's heart and this is something that He has for your family, I believe He can and He will open your hear to it as well." And two, she told me, "I want you to know how very rare it is that a husband would approach a wife about adoption. I know so many woman who would give anything for that to be the case. It's such a blessing."

After my exchange will Shelby, I did pray about it for a bit. Then I kind of forgot about it and just moved on, and, you know, got busy with life.

Months went by, and there was really no talk of adoption. Maybe a few conversations here and there, but nothing that really sticks out to me. We did make the decision that we were not going to have any more children naturally, as my pregnancies were very very hard on my body, and of course, in turn, hard on our family.

Then, quite a few month ago at church, our pastor was speaking about a group of children that were going to be coming over from Columbia. They were older, I believe between the ages of 9 and 15. He was asking any families that were willing, to open their home to them during the holiday months. If I remember correctly, at the end of their stay, there may be a chance they were available for adoption. If your family did not plan to adopt him/her, then they were asked to potentially be an advocate for the child to find a forever family. I remember hearing about this a few weeks in a row, and it just seemed that I couldn't get it off my mind. I didn't really feel like my family was supposed to do this, but I just felt God placing it on my heart, and softening my heart to the idea of adoption.

Fast forward a few months later...

In our home we currently (well, not really currently, because currently it's empty) have a guest bedroom. We keep our desk and printer  in there, store some things in the closet, and we also have our rocking chair in there. After our kids grew a bit, we moved the rocker in there because I wanted to hold on to it. It's very special to me, as it was my Grandmother's. We didn't really have anywhere else to go with it, so we kept it in the guest bedroom. I find myself going into the guest bedroom quite often for various reasons... to print something out, to get a gift bag out of the closet, to put something away, etc. I started noticing that each time I would go in the guest bedroom, I would get "this feeling." I wasn't really sure what it was that I was feeling, or why I was feeling the way I did, but I couldn't quite shake it.

I can honestly say that in my life, there have been a few very specific times that I have felt the Holy Spirit moving in me, or that I have felt God's Hand literally on me. When this has happened, I knew exactly what it was as it was unmistakable. Each time I would go into the guest bedroom, I began feeling stirred up inside. I knew that the Lord was trying to speak to me, I just wasn't quite sure what it was that He was saying. So I started praying, "Lord, I am not sure what you want me to hear, but help my ears to be open and my heart to be willing to listen." One specific afternoon, Hope and Evan were napping, and it was quite in the house. I found myself wandering into the guest bedroom, only this time I really had no specific reason. I sat down in the rocking chair and began rocking. As I rocked, I prayed. As I prayed, I felt the presence of the Lord come over me. I found myself weeping as I felt God's Hand on me. I continued rocking quietly and listened. I felt the Lord saying to me, "Erin, there is going to be a child in this room. This will be a nursery." And then, really quickly, I started having my conversation back, "Oh Lord, that sounds so nice, but we are done having children. We have no baby things anymore, Lord, nothing. We are 'out of that phase.'  You must have us confused with another family." My heart that was gently stirring was now being tugged and pulled. I continued praying something like this to God, "Lord, I hear you. I'm not so sure about this. I still think maybe you have the wrong gal, but I am going to pray about this. Just between you and me, I am going to pray about this."

I haven't even shared this part of the story with my hubby (hey, babe), but I even went out and bought a cream knit baby blanket. I kept the blanket in the closet, and when I would go into the room to rock and pray, I would take the blanket out and hold it. My thought was that if the Lord really did have this for us, that this blanket would be a special for our child, and something to wrap our him or her in that had been prayed over.

A few weeks later, as my heart continued to be pulled, tugged, yanked, and ROCKED, I knew it was time to talk to Dan about this.

And I did.

As I shared what God was doing in my heart with Dan, I became overcome with emotion. I knew that this was all going to come as a big shock to Dan, as I had been taking time by myself to talk with God about this.

And it did.

I think his response (well, once I stopped talking and crying to LET him respond), went something like this... " {Crickets....} WOW. Babe, I had no idea. I mean, how long have you been feeling this way?"

As we literally spent the next few DAYS talking, praying, praying, talking, and praying some more, we began feeling that God most definitely was placing this on our hearts. Dan described it best in saying to me, "Erin, when I had these feelings over a year ago, you pretty much dismissed them, saying that you did not feel you had a heart for adoption. So, I kind of just shoved those feelings under the rug... and we moved on. Now God has placed this on your heart, and I know that if this is something He is calling us to do, He will make it clear."

And HE did. Doesn't he always?

We began seeking council from a few couples who had gone through the adoption process, one of our Pastors, my parents, and a few close friends. Late, long nights of talking, asking questions, spreading paperwork upon paperwork (wow, the paperwork) amongst guacamole and chips (right, Christine?). I told Dan, I think you and I have had more heart to heart conversations in the past week than in the past few years! (Kidding... well, kind of) But still, I knew when I looked at my hubby, that his heart was not quite ready yet. I spent a few days trying to rush that, but I knew God was telling me to give him time, and just to pray. One night we went to small group and shared with them what God has placed on our hearts. At this point in time we knew that God was calling us to do this. It wasn't a matter of "if," it was a matter of "when." At the end of our night sharing with our friends, our small group prayed over us. It was so special, and a time we will both always cherish.

That night we came home, exhausted from emotion, fell into the couch, and began chatting. It was then that Dan told me, he knew this was for us. It was scary, and we had so many questions and so many fears. But mostly, we just felt at peace. At peace knowing that this was from God, of God, and through God. Dan laughed and said, "So, we are having a baby?"

 And at that point in time, a piece of my heart went missing... and I don't think it will be whole again until I hold our baby in my arms.